PART 1: My 2009 Year In Review--Of Life, Love and Julia Roberts

Blogged on My Multiply dated December 19, 2009.

[I will not write for an audience this time. These words are for me and I shouldn’t care if this doesn’t get any views or comments. This is all about me and I don’t expect anyone to read nonsensical shit that happened in my life and it’s 2:45 am and I hope this gets buried among other updates if anyone still uses this shitty website. I am doing my best not to break my thoughts into sentences although I must say that if you DO read this, I ask you not to spill any names of persons I pertain in this post. Keep your mouth and vagina shut and this is just too long for you to read you self-absorbed bitch—with a smile.]



I learned a lot these past (almost) twelve months. I was in a relationship when the year started. I was happy because I knew that was what I wanted. When I was a bit younger not too long ago, I fantasized what it was like to have someone, to have my own someone. I made different scenarios in my head involving flowers, movies, countless dates and public proposals which I all hoped would happen to me. It was my very own Julia Roberts movie playing in my head.



I was in a hurry to have my someone that every person I met was a prospect. I would look at a certain guy and wonder if he was also looking my way, if he smiled, if he found me cute, if he loved me. In a snap, I had this stranger’s head cut out and pasted in a headless cardboard of a man in suit, holding flowers he’d give me at the end of our date. Every night, the cut out would change depending on the face of a guy I just met. I imagined him going to the classroom unexpectedly just to give me chocolates or announce to everyone that he loved me. It was the attention whore in me that sewed these delusions in my brain. I was writing my own fairytale. I couldn’t wait to meet that someone that I jumped into a relationship without the first thing that should’ve been there when it started. Love. Yes, I was affectionate to this person. I sent text messages everyday. I gave gifts during important events such as his birthday, Christmas and monthsaries. I did everything I was supposed to do not because I loved him but it was expected of me.



He was a great guy. He was smart, cute and funny. My friends said that I was luckier to have him than he was to me. He was the sweetest person in the world which made it even harder to break everything off. It was the superficial me that wanted to end things. I couldn’t say to anyone, not even to my friends that the real reason I left him was because I felt that I could do better. I didn’t want to settle for anything less and I could certainly find someone really good looking who would love me just as much. It’s harsh I know. You can say that THAT is not love but mere infatuation and physical attraction. So let me give the scenario that he loves me for who I am and that I love him for who he is. Let us not be hypocrites here. Clearing the love issue, who would you go for: the cute one or the hot one? No competition here mister.



It is never wrong to set your standards high. It only means that you value yourself more than others do. I still fantasize about my Julia-esque movie and I still long for that handsome Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet, carriages and all. I admit I think highly of myself that people sometimes mistake it for arrogance. Hmm…maybe it is arrogance. I don’t know and I’m not sure. Whatever it may be, I am not ashamed to say that I want someone very good looking with a hot body to boot. I wouldn’t care people staring at us, whispering “Mismatch!” I got rid of my insecurities to even bother caring what those jealous bitches think.



So how’s single life treating me? It’s the best! When I got out of the relationship, I started enjoying my single blessedness more. I love all the other terms people call it: alone, solo, stag, etcetera. But my favorite is Individual. I am an individual. It sounds strong and very Joan of Arc. It feels like I can do anything and no one can ever stop me. It feels alive. It feels “here”.



Now that I’ve experienced being in a relationship, I’m in no hurry to be in another one. My close friends keep asking me if I have someone new and I keep telling them the same answer, I’m not even looking. They never believe me but it’s the truth. I’m still young and I enjoy what I have right now. I get to focus building relationships with new friends and strengthening bonds with old ones. I am good at only having friends and the love they show me is sufficient enough that I don’t go looking for it from anyone else. I also realized that I am a better friend than a boyfriend. I more affectionate with them and I care more about them. I just came home from my barkada’s Christmas Party at MoA. I have never enjoyed myself more. They are my Julia Roberts movie.



I am ending the year with a bang. Hinde, wala akong putok.



*This post is the first part of my 2009 Year In Review. I started with Love because that is the only topic everyone is interested in. I blame keso romantic comedies for it.



By the way, I take everything I wrote in my intro back. I want comments. I need comments. Attention whore, remember? And if you still use Multiply, that is. Facebook is dominating the world. I’m going back to Friendster. Ha!