PART 4: My 2009 Year In Review--Of Life, Love and Sarah Jessica Parker

Blogged on My Multiply dated December 25, 2009

I.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. 2009 has been good to me. Sometimes I wonder why God is giving me so much--more that what I really need. I am so blessed with my family, friends and career (in the process). I don't know what I did to even deserve all of these, and I am a bit afraid that in the future, God would ask something in return that I might not want to give. Whatever the reason for the endless blessings, I am forever grateful.

I may have had trials here and there this year, but they weren't things I couldn't handle. I finally learned to believe in myself which I actually found very hard to do before. I have a great support system that fuels my self-esteem. And I finally learned that by faking confidence, you gain confidence. I'm not sure if you get that but that's what it is. Maybe The Secret really works.

I always tell people that I'm not a religious person, and it's still true to this day. I still hate hearing mass and observing holy days of obligation. But given this fact, I believe in God. I may not pray much but I know that He is there guiding me through the right path. I am a worldly person and I easily give in to temptation. I can be easily influenced by people in doing things I shouldn't do. I turn to Him and ask for wisdom to do what is right and what is good.

I want to be good.

2009 is also the start of my dreams coming true. I won in a writing competition last September and that victory gave me a reason to believe again in what I can do. I was always afraid of what I'll become once I graduate. A bum? A call center agent? (not that there is something wrong with that) A corporate employee? A banker, perhaps? After that win, my wanting to be a writer woke up again. And I think that's a good thing, to have THAT dream again of becoming something, a someone. We should never give up on our dreams. Never think that it's too late. A lot of people even fulfill their dreams at the later part of their lives. You are not too old or young to do the things you want. A dream is worth living for.

II.

My clock says three o'clock. It is Christmas morning. I just finished watching The Family Stone. I decided to make it a tradition to watch the film during this season. It is my favorite Christmas movie. The most intense scene (and my favorite) was the dinner sequence when Sarah Jessica Parker's character said that no parent wishes to have a gay child, which offended everyone at the dinner table since one of their brothers was gay. Diane Keaton's character, the mother, told his son that she loved him no matter what any other assholes say. The way she acted it, through sign language (the gay son was deaf), was really touching. I couldn't help but get teary-eyed everytime.

III.

I'm not sure if this will be the last entry of my series. I might write another one before the year ends. But if I don't, I'd like to take this chance to thank all the people who made an impact in my life this year. I learned a lot from all of you and I am glad that you were a part of the reason why I am ending 2009 with the biggest smile on my face. Let us all be merry on this wonderful season, reflect on the year we just had, and learn from the mistakes we foolishly committed along the way. I wish nothing but the best for all of you, and may 2010 bring us more unforgettable moments we would also cherish through the years. God Bless and Merry Christmas!

IV.

To my grandparents, Jeremias Roman Sr. and Francisca Sarmiento Roman.

I will never forget.

PART 3: My 2009 Year In Review--Of Life, Love and Dimples Romana

Blogged on My Multiply dated December 22, 2009


I value my friends. So much sometimes that I tend to become really possessive of them. You'd surely see an eyebrow raise if you tell me that you're going out with some other friend instead of me. Since I'm not in a romantic relationship, my friends are the ones who help me reach orgasm. No, not that kind--a different high. They are the people I look forward to seeing everyday in school. Of course I don't go there to learn. Who does anyway? Ha!


I have two sets of friends today in college. My block friends and my dorm friends. They are two different group of people that I know would somehow clash if placed in a room together. Something I discovered about myself this year is that I can adapt into any kind of human behavior. I realized that I am good with people. I used to think that I was an introvert. But looking at most of my pictures in Facebook I saw that I was always with another person/s, no solo shots except for profile pics which were actually cropped from group pics. So go figure.


I love both sets of friends. I feel comfortable around them and I am always assured that they would not turn their backs on me even if I do foolish things. When I was in elementary, my cousin would always tease me that my only friend was the librarian in school. It was true, I guess. Nerdy me way back when would seclude himself from his classmates and read books at the far corner of the library. I'm not sure how I progressed socially but I'm very glad I got over that stage. I still bury myself in books, though.


I love being a friend to somebody. I can finally relate to every character Dimples Romana has played in her entire career--always the bestfriend, never the bida. She's like Nikki Valdez to Claudine Barretto or Dominic Ochoa to Rico Yan. But Dimples, she never chose her co-actors. She can play the bestfriend of anybody, the supportive confidante of the miserable protagonist. It is very unfortunate because she's a really good actress.


I just added that paragraph to justify my title. Sorry. Anyway, this year I lost a friend. No, the friend didn't die. The relationship did. I can safely say that now because I cannot imagine what it would be like if we were friends again. "The friend" was someone I considered my bestfriend. We were always together in school and people always asked me why the other was not around and vise-versa. And yet somehow, friendships are not perfect. There are troubles that come your way and you hope that you will resolve everything when the time comes. The problem with this relationship is that the time never came. Yes, we still talk. But not like we used to anymore. You can say that we're civil--occasional hi's and hello's.


I easily trust people. I hate that about myself. I never doubt a person's kindness, even at first meeting. I always see the good in people (or maybe i just blind myself from seeing the ugly) and I believe that no person is pure evil. Um, maybe Ampatuan. But then, once you break that trust, you will never get it back. That's for sure. In my mind, you will always be that person who did me wrong. Yes we can still talk but we will never be like we used to.


Thus, there are only a few people I really consider my friends. Others are mere acquaintances. People fail me most of the time and they never live up to what I consider a friend. As I've written in the previous entry, I set a high standard for myself...and for other people.


I am a good friend, only if you are. It's always a two-way relationship.


Tell me, who wants a friend who talks endlessly and yet never listens to any of your shit? I say, fuck you self-absorbed bitch!

PART 2: My 2009 Year In Review--Of Life, Love and Edward Cullen

Blogged on My Multiply dated December 20, 2009

In the still of the night
I held you so tight
Oh I love you so
Promise I’ll never let you go
In the still of the night

-“In The Still Of The Night” by the Akafellas


2009 made new bad habits for me to break. One that would be on top of this list is my insomnia which resulted to more bad habits like being late in class, waking up in the afternoon, surfing the net too long and others.


I probably should’ve chosen the song Insomnia for my intro but that would’ve been too easy. I love the song I chose and even if the Akafellas didn’t originally sung it, I still like their version better. The lyrics and the song itself match how I feel about my nocturnal moments. There is something about the stillness of the night that appeals to me. I enjoy the silence and darkness that wrap around my soul everytime it comes. I take comfort in the fact that I am the lone man standing in the family who is awake and that there are no eyes watching my every move. I make mistakes and no one bothers because they’re someplace else, consciousness not on their side.


I know how it all started. When my dad left for work (he’s a seaman) and my older sister migrated to Canada, I finally had the chance to get my own room, complete with everything I needed: bed, AC, a desktop computer and an internet connection. It was my version of heaven. I’d smoke in the room and no one would even know. The exhaust fan sucked in every smoke I exhaled, fresh air came in, and I’d smoke even more. It became a routine. I’d surf the net for hours and no one would blame me for costly electric bills. It was my version of heaven which was ironic because of the darkness.


I cannot diagnose myself as insomniac since I’m no doctor. But symptoms of it are proof that I am one. During the day, I always find myself dozing off in every place I go to. It seems like my eyes are somewhat allergic to daylight, they just shut on their own. I get naps in every way I can. I even mastered the art of sleeping in a sitting position. I just bow my head really low and I’m off to dreamland. And when night comes and I am at home and the opportunity to sleep the best sleep I can get is right in my face, I stay awake. It’s the weirdest thing. The night makes my eyes open in wonder and I feel that my whole day just started. I’m no Edward but I feel like a vampire hunting for blood. I thirst for something to do and I always end up in my room. I turn on the computer, light up a smoke, and I am high once again on Insomnia Marijuana.


I know how to stop this bad habit. I just have to reset my body clock and voila, I’m “normal” again. But the thing is, I don’t want to. I’m okay with it even if certain aspects of my life get affected.


The night brings me comfort and security. I feel safe in darkness. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I’m invisible.

PART 1: My 2009 Year In Review--Of Life, Love and Julia Roberts

Blogged on My Multiply dated December 19, 2009.

[I will not write for an audience this time. These words are for me and I shouldn’t care if this doesn’t get any views or comments. This is all about me and I don’t expect anyone to read nonsensical shit that happened in my life and it’s 2:45 am and I hope this gets buried among other updates if anyone still uses this shitty website. I am doing my best not to break my thoughts into sentences although I must say that if you DO read this, I ask you not to spill any names of persons I pertain in this post. Keep your mouth and vagina shut and this is just too long for you to read you self-absorbed bitch—with a smile.]



I learned a lot these past (almost) twelve months. I was in a relationship when the year started. I was happy because I knew that was what I wanted. When I was a bit younger not too long ago, I fantasized what it was like to have someone, to have my own someone. I made different scenarios in my head involving flowers, movies, countless dates and public proposals which I all hoped would happen to me. It was my very own Julia Roberts movie playing in my head.



I was in a hurry to have my someone that every person I met was a prospect. I would look at a certain guy and wonder if he was also looking my way, if he smiled, if he found me cute, if he loved me. In a snap, I had this stranger’s head cut out and pasted in a headless cardboard of a man in suit, holding flowers he’d give me at the end of our date. Every night, the cut out would change depending on the face of a guy I just met. I imagined him going to the classroom unexpectedly just to give me chocolates or announce to everyone that he loved me. It was the attention whore in me that sewed these delusions in my brain. I was writing my own fairytale. I couldn’t wait to meet that someone that I jumped into a relationship without the first thing that should’ve been there when it started. Love. Yes, I was affectionate to this person. I sent text messages everyday. I gave gifts during important events such as his birthday, Christmas and monthsaries. I did everything I was supposed to do not because I loved him but it was expected of me.



He was a great guy. He was smart, cute and funny. My friends said that I was luckier to have him than he was to me. He was the sweetest person in the world which made it even harder to break everything off. It was the superficial me that wanted to end things. I couldn’t say to anyone, not even to my friends that the real reason I left him was because I felt that I could do better. I didn’t want to settle for anything less and I could certainly find someone really good looking who would love me just as much. It’s harsh I know. You can say that THAT is not love but mere infatuation and physical attraction. So let me give the scenario that he loves me for who I am and that I love him for who he is. Let us not be hypocrites here. Clearing the love issue, who would you go for: the cute one or the hot one? No competition here mister.



It is never wrong to set your standards high. It only means that you value yourself more than others do. I still fantasize about my Julia-esque movie and I still long for that handsome Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet, carriages and all. I admit I think highly of myself that people sometimes mistake it for arrogance. Hmm…maybe it is arrogance. I don’t know and I’m not sure. Whatever it may be, I am not ashamed to say that I want someone very good looking with a hot body to boot. I wouldn’t care people staring at us, whispering “Mismatch!” I got rid of my insecurities to even bother caring what those jealous bitches think.



So how’s single life treating me? It’s the best! When I got out of the relationship, I started enjoying my single blessedness more. I love all the other terms people call it: alone, solo, stag, etcetera. But my favorite is Individual. I am an individual. It sounds strong and very Joan of Arc. It feels like I can do anything and no one can ever stop me. It feels alive. It feels “here”.



Now that I’ve experienced being in a relationship, I’m in no hurry to be in another one. My close friends keep asking me if I have someone new and I keep telling them the same answer, I’m not even looking. They never believe me but it’s the truth. I’m still young and I enjoy what I have right now. I get to focus building relationships with new friends and strengthening bonds with old ones. I am good at only having friends and the love they show me is sufficient enough that I don’t go looking for it from anyone else. I also realized that I am a better friend than a boyfriend. I more affectionate with them and I care more about them. I just came home from my barkada’s Christmas Party at MoA. I have never enjoyed myself more. They are my Julia Roberts movie.



I am ending the year with a bang. Hinde, wala akong putok.



*This post is the first part of my 2009 Year In Review. I started with Love because that is the only topic everyone is interested in. I blame keso romantic comedies for it.



By the way, I take everything I wrote in my intro back. I want comments. I need comments. Attention whore, remember? And if you still use Multiply, that is. Facebook is dominating the world. I’m going back to Friendster. Ha!