change

Being yourself may not be the best thing to do especially if “yourself” is not a very good person. I’ve been trying constantly to change who I am physically and emotionally, not because I’m tired of being myself but because it is what society dictates me to do. I am gay and people always have the stereotypes of what a gay guy should look like. No, it’s not the cross-dressing part or the make-up and wigs. Since society itself has changed, it now associates gays with new things. It’s the hair, the tight-fitting shirt, the skinny jeans and the pouting whenever a camera is present. This is how gays look like today. The funny thing is that all hot gay guys look exactly the same. It’s like a scientist made clones for everyone to enjoy.

RoboGay: Hi, I’m a hot gay guy. I’ll be your entertainer for today!

Which bring us to what Gelo said to me, “Kaya walang lumalandi sa’yo eh. Mukha ka paring lalaki.” Friends have always said this to me. I don’t fit the norm of gay people. But then again, my voice always gives me away. Once I open my mouth and talk, people would know that I am indeed gay. But what if I don’t talk at all?

For a moment, I tried to fit in to the gay box. I did a makeover to myself with the help of Gelo and somehow we all thought it worked. Ginela would always tell me, “Oy, that (gay) guy is looking at you. Kilig!” and my assuming self agreed. I enjoyed it. It was of course an ego booster in every angle.

After a while, I got really tired of it all. It’s exhausting to be someone that you’re really not. It seemed like I was part of a play that would never end. Inside of me was a voice that wanted to shout, “Close the fucking curtains already! I’m done.”

It wasn’t me. I always thought of myself as someone who just wanted to be with my friends and hang-out. It is okay to meet new people but growing relationships with the one you already have is much more valuable.

I remember what Reverie said about another person who was greeting a lot of people, “Kaibigan kasi ‘yan ng bayan eh.”

And then last Wednesday while on our way to Gateway, Chandra said, “Mag-bar ka kasi para makahanap ka na ng boylet.” The thing is I am not a bar person and I am probably the most boring person to be in a bar with. First, I’m a morning person. I am most likely to be the first one to pull my friends away and ask to go home. Second, I TRY (I’m not saying I don’t) not to drink and smoke. Third, I don’t want to meet a guy in a bar. I guess it’s just me but I don’t think it’s the most romantic place to meet someone.

People say that the only constant thing in this world is change. This is probably true but only if the change you undergo is for the better. I am not saying that I am better than the gay guys who fit the norm because I am clearly not. I just don’t want to lose myself through the process. I did all the changes so that I could find my “someone” already and I don’t want that. I don’t want to change for a person. I just want to be loved for who I am.

Eh bat ikaw...

Would you change for someone to love you?

Random Notes:

*I was a bit disappointed with the last episode of Your Song. Though it had a pseudo-happy ending, it wasn’t the ending I wanted. Kulang. Bitin.
*The new McDo commercial is just plain kadiri especially the part where he tried to drink the water spurting out of the car.
*I am loving “My Girl”. Even if all of them look like cartoons, I think Kim is doing very well with her character. I’m glad she’s pulling it off. Kahit minsan OA na pero 'yun talaga siguro yung hinihingi ng role niya.
*Addicted to Amy Winehouse. Kahit durugista, okay lang. Ganda ng songs!
*It was really weird asking my blockmates their new sections. Ang sakit sa puso!
*While on our way home from Gateway, Kat and I saw a huge billboard of Chris Tiu modeling Hanford. He was just wearing a black sando. The biceps mhen-->Makalaglag panty at brief, makapigtas bra, makatulo mens. Lahat na! Ang amo pa ng mukha niya, mukhang masarap alagaan. Joke.
*I wanna watch Sex and the City so badly. I was big fan of the show when it was still airing on HBO. I miss Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and of course Samantha! Okay, I just want to see Jason Lewis again. Rawr! Will watch next week after I enroll para may kick back. Sa Alabang nalang siguro ako manonood para sundo ni mama. Yipee!
*I opened my Friendster profile for everyone. Wala namang sikreto dun eh. Search niyo ko ah: “Jhong Valencia”. Add me up. Yey!
*Thank You to Esfrey, Meann, Vanie, Tere and Kat for the ego boosters last Wednesday. Sige na Kat, feeler na ko. Haha!
*Sabi ni Lou, sumingkit daw ako lalo. Waaaah! wala na kong mata.
*Miss ko na comments ni cely, liz at tonton. Busy na siguro sila kasi lapit na pasukan.
*It’s the last Friday of May.
*June, here I come. Parang hinihintay ako ni June ah. Ngye corny!